weigh day tomorrow
So i finally finished work yay!! Managed to cycle home in between down pours so i didn’t get wet awesome just waiting for hubby to return with veg for dinner then I can start cooking :/ weigh day tomorrow….not going to be good at all!!
Currently on day three binge free so far!! Wish i could say I’m purge free but I’m not but one step at a time right? Got work today stating at 3:30pm today finishing 3:30pm tomorrow and not looking forward to it in fact I’m dreading it!
I’m praying I can keep it up I need something to focus on!!?
So I’m currentally on day two binge free *YAY* but I have work tomorrow, I’m dreading it. blah blahbbbbblllllllllaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
I like this!
Good day so far loving it! limit food intake Salad and Veg YAY it’s going good today love it! Havn’t binged although using laxatives more and more TMI warning but I’m so blocked up use them and then as soon as i stop im blocked up again…….
Morning beautiful people! starting day five :-D
Oki so four days down binge and purge free !! I swear this fight is hardest of my life!! as I step away from the bulimic thoughts the anorexia ones are starting to take hold…..what do I do now?
For the moment I think ill figure that out tomorrow tonight I need sleep!!
Oki so I need to keep myself occupied as I have done all my work and theres nothing to do for awhile! so I’m just gonna type and see what comes out. I’m tried of not being able to trust myself of not being able to trust my body! I hate the fact that everything seems to be a trigger at the moment! That I know if I start I’ll never stop ! I’m so anxious and scared all the time every moment of my life is a battle field. My uncle is down tomorrow havnt seen him in months and I’m Freaking out because we’re putting on a buffet and my parents are popping over so loads of unhealthy food…Tuesday my friends invited me over for drinks and a meal, I couldn’t get out of it so I’m Freaking out about that! I wish I could react to situations normally with out feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack. I feel like I’m becoming a social recules I don’t really see any of my friends anymore for fear of what they will say or incase they try to feed me up! Shdjfh cuvikv ndbe…………..I hate what I’ve become what I’ve turnt in to I’m afraid to eat, it physically scares me, it makes me so anxious I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I’m so confused one minute I feel like I’m in control and its Oki, then wham next second I feel like my chest is going to explode and the bottom falls out of my world. Guilt I’ve been feeling a lot of that lately, guilt that my daughter doesn’t have a better mum, that I’m not strong enough for her. That one day I know she’ll be ashamed of me because I failed. Guilt I put my husband though this every day, guilt for the pain he see and feels, that I’m not strong enough I’m scared one day he will walk and then what, the thought scares me so much! guilt for my mum and dad they have enough on there plate with my brothers with out me adding to it. I’ve always been known as the good child, the sane child, the one who doesn’t mess up. Yet here I am the royal f*ck up who they can’t be proud of, I’m the dirty little secret me and my eating issues. I can’t really talk to them about it all I feel guilty…I feel like they where so proud of me and everything I had done I always wanted to make them proud guess I don’t Not anymore! shame I do this, shame I can’t control it I’m so weak, that much of a failure that I can’t even eat with out Freaking out, that I miss purging and binging. Shame at the amount I can’t eat… I seriously hate myself I loath myself how weak, pathetic,ugly,fat Ergh I hate who I have become, I don’t even know who the old me is anymore its been so long since I felt like me I don’t even know who that is…I lie, manipulate,steal,deceive, argh….
why did I let this happen?? I’m…..
Its 6pm and I’m still binge purge free so hard but I’m getting there, only 5 hours till I clock off and go to bed 21hours total till I leave to go home long old short considering I started at 12….I’ve resisted everything thrown at me and I plan on continuing I want day four so bad!!!
stay strong beautiful people
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